Saturday, October 2, 2010

7 Things You Remember if You Are Old




When cartoons had morals


At the end of every G.I. Joe cartoon, one of the main dudes would stand up and give a speech. It usually had something to do with the story, and how one of the characters was a prick who only thought of himself. "If this guy wasn't such a cocksucker," the Joe would go on to say, in different words of course, "None of this shit would have happened. Children, don't be a prick." In turn, we weren't pricks. Much


When Halloween was awesome

We used to get together three weeks before the big day and formulate a plan; map out streets, circle houses with huge payouts, and of course stock up on toilet paper and eggs. These days little bastards go out with their parents and wear bright colored costumes so as to not get ran over. They bring one (1) small bag and when it is full, they are 'tired and want to go home'. We filled up pillowcases by the fuckload. Bag snatchers do not get the fear they deserve anymore either. Hell, these kids nowadays never even have to run for their lives. Damn shame, that is.


When all you needed to get laid was beer and a baseball field

There was a time, young Jedi, that you could stash a couple of forties out by the bleachers and that cute girl from your science class would be slobbering on your wookie by the time it was dark enough to pick out the Big Dipper. Eventually she would start to puke and you would have to drag her home, sit her on the porch, and get away quick before the dad came out with a shotgun. The next day she would ask you "My god, what did we do last night?" You would say "You slobbered on my wookie." And she wouldn't slap you.


When a 12 pack of Naughty Lite was $5

When guys meet up, they need beer. The Angry StepKid and I used to visit a chap by the name of Martinez. We would begin our night by pooling all our pocket change until we had enough to afford a 12 pack. We would each horde our four beers like soulless chimps guarding sacred bananas and drink them down as quick as we could before any of the others could get any ideas about how our individual allocation of the beer was to be distributed. We would do this like 4 times a night. And it only cost us $20.


When video game systems lasted longer than 3 months

We all know the original Nintendo had problems. Sometimes it just wouldn't work. But you could blow in its vagina and it would fire right up if you put enough concentration into it. Anything that is released anymore comes packed with a laundry list of bugs that don't all get fixed until the damn thing is obsolete. Anyone who is about to mention the Wii can fuck off. The controllers themselves are bugs. No one wants to wave their hands in the air just to play a frickin video game. Even the Dreamcast had better sense than that.


Optimus Prime's voice

Those of us who are old enough to remember the cartoon, or you can always find it on the Pirate Bay, might notice something familiar about the voice of Optimus Prime in the two Transformers movies. Peter Cullen has done the voice of Optimus Prime since the 1984 cartoon movie. He also did the voice of the Predator. As well as Eeyore in Winny the Pooh, the evil K.A.R.R. in the TV show "Knight Rider", and Monterey Jack from Chip and Dales rescue Rangers.


The Expos

Expos hats were really popular back in the 80's and 90's. Not so much because the baseball team was really good or had a lot of fans, but because they looked cool. Why? Maybe because it looks like one red and white cock and one blue cock slapping a high five. Just look at the picture I posted with this. You never noticed that before, did you? And now you will never forget. Good night.



1 comments:

Arkanyn on October 2, 2010 at 10:11 PM said...

yea but girls were uglier back then

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