Cyber ICandi..

I have once again decided to dabble in the decidedly murky world of internet dating. I put up a profile and in twenty-four hours I had over 200 e-mails. I had to remove the feature to e-mail my home e-mail because my inbox was overflowing. Sigh....I am a hot commodity apparently. The burdens of being awesome and sexy. I have already e-mailed, chatted,...

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Secret Santa Sucks!

It was a dark and stormy night. All the chitlins were tucked away. Nestled. Dreams of an honest man's means and a poor man's wages were toiling over the next commercial. I enjoy watching the excitement and anticipation of another yule tide season. Every year seems to be more drab and more plastic than the last. Fuckers! They told a fib. I was to understand...

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My Interview With The Ghost Of Dr. Hunter S Thompson

Last night I had a talk with the great Dr. Thompson. He returned from the grave to bitch at me about football, Nixon, and the current unavailability of good acid in the afterlife. Ashes dropped from his famous cigarette holder onto my old shag carpet as he waved his arms around wildly while telling me the story of his death. “Oh, but you will find...

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”Bob Dole”, And Other Funny Things to Say During Sex

1. The Bob Dole Before all is said and done, I will make this one famous. All credit for this must go to the man who created it, for now he shall be known only as “Maples”. I described this tactic once before. Wait until the woman is a few seconds away from an orgasm, stop, look her straight in the eye, and say in a low tone “Bob Dole”. This never...

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iCandi Lezbehonest

This is it. I have officially decided to become a lesbian. I already was leaning in that general direction. I have been told by numerous lesbians that it can't be a choice. That it just happens. I want to know why. Why can't I switch teams mid-game?I like both men and women and have tried to play the ahem "straight and narrow' with strictly men. However,...

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Mirror Mirror Ketel One..

In my previous post, I mentioned that I would do a piece on how to redeem yourself if you are a fucktard. Well in order to determine how best to help yourself , you must first ascertain if you are indeed fucktarded. There are different levels of fucktardedness. I am only going to touch on the most common and abundant flavor. The most common are the...

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The Awesome Standard

I am fucking awesome. Yeah I said it and you better damn well know I believe it. I can't say that I have always known this, but through all the hell, shit and drama I came through. I like me. I think I am pretty, funny, honest, loyal and maybe well.....no maybe.....I am a bitch. How many of you know you are awesome? I mean truly know that. To be fair,...

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