FUCK! Every story should start like that! Today I summoned my drunk chauffeur to drive me somewhere I'd never been. Thus began a ride to bliss. "Hey you retarded man surfer!" I yelled. "You need to slow this piece of shit down." I wanted a slow lazy cruise as apposed to the normal bat-outta-hell driving skills he's displayed on numerous occasions before. He scoffed at me and returned my man surfer comment with a nice retort of his own. "I'm driving, spunk tester! Not you." Well played sir, I thought. On any other day, I would have kept this lyrical shitfest going. Instead, I just sat back and enjoyed his loyal company.He (We'll call him Lester) proceeded to drive me to a seedy part of town. I looked out of the car window and noticed that people recognized the car. Hmm.. How the fuck do these scabs know my car? I thought. "Lester" pulls up in front of a shit stained little establishment that reminded me of my superiority to others. "Where the fuck are we?" I asked. "Shut your pie hole asshole!" Lester snapped. He gets out. Ten minutes later he returns with this hooker. "Your mom looks nice." I said. "I'm not his mother." says the possible hooker. She hops her probably disease infested ass into the front seat and shuts the fuck up. I was mildly amused by this.
"Lester" starts the mother ship and we drive. So there I sit, some strange hooker and my drunk chauffeur leading me.. I gotta know what the fuck is going on at this point. So again I ask. "Who's this broad and where the fuck are we going?" Finally an answer from the front seat. "This is my sister and NO she's not a prostitute." "Well why is she in the car?" I said. "We're taking her to get some cigarettes." Huh?!? Keep in mind I love cigarettes, but this is MY mutha fuckin mother ship and I ain't pickin up no hatchet wound so that SHE can feed her habit.
So we arrive at the bodega and she gets out and enters the store. Left alone with Lester, I handed him a shit sandwich with no miracle whip. "Why'd you ever think I'd want to ride along with you and your sister to pick up smokes? Are you nuttier than squirrel shit? He claims that she's pregnant and the baby's his!?!
WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT! Evidently, they had been separated at birth and "found each other" on Facebook. They got to mackin.. played hide the salami, and she got knocked up. After doing a couple days worth of research they realized that they were related, but by that time it was too late. (and so was she) I fired that Jerry Springer candidate tonight and drove myself home.
Anyone looking for a job as my driver, just contact me. No drug test, driver's license optional. Let me know.
2 comments:
Hire me now! My baby cave is cauterized and my tubes are in a eternal choke hold, so no more spawn for me. I do, however, have a bit of a Twrack addiction. Twitter is my crack. So I may show up late from time to time but it's only because I HAD to get these 140 characters out to people who don't really give a shit about me or else I would go into withdrawals and have to vote for Pat Robertson for President.
Sincerely,
DD
I wish you actually needed a driver, cause I would do it. OK, that's a lie. I wouldn't drive you anywhere, but I would sit in the back and talk shit with you... yea. That part sounds like fun.
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