7 Bible Verses Christians Can't Explain

Let's get this kicked off.

Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

Numbers-17

This sounds like an order Hitler would give his troops, but no, it wasn't a Nazi that said these words. It was god. Not all women though, just the ones who someone has already had sex with. And not all the children, just the male ones. Oh but wait, the rabbit hole gets deeper...

But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Numbers 18

So not only is the killing of women and children condoned, but the raping of 'women children' is also made ok. And yes, it was rape. I'm sure they didn't throw themselves on the guys who just killed their mom, dad, and little brother. Or older brother in the worse cases. There is simply no excuse for this. Nor an explanation. Even I, the great Zero, am dumbfounded and speechless.

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
  Ezekiel23:20

I have read porn that isn't this descriptive. Whomever these fellows Ezekiel was speaking of must have been hosses. A whole tribe of Ron Jeremy clones Donkeying it up with what must have been a very, very loose woman. The world champion of whores.

While your local pastor may not have anything to say about this verse, one of our founding fathers did:

"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind."

Thomas Paine (1737 - 1809)

Oh, that silly Thomas Paine.

"You may also buy from among the strangers who sojourn with you and their clans that are with you, who have been born in your land, and they may be your property."

Leviticus 25:45

YOU HEAR THAT, MEXICANS!? IF YOU DON"T GIT WE CAN OWN YOUR SORRY ASSES, GOD SAID SO!

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet."

Timothy 2:12

It is hard to believe that there are actually women out there who follow this book. If I wrote a book and said in it, 'Women, shut the fuck up and do the dishes!" I doubt I would have the support of most of the female population. One last shot I got to take here... Sarah Palin, follow your god, dammit, and shut the fuck up.

"When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she shall not go out as the male slaves do. If she does not please her master, who has designated her for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed. He shall have no right to sell her to a foreign people, since he has broken faith with her. If he designates her for his son, he shall deal with her as with a daughter. If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or her marital rights. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money."
Exodus 21:7

Early Christians sure were fond of having slaves. Especially women. I can't say I blame them, except for the fact that, while I am a sexist bastard, I am NOT a rotten sexist bastard. However, if there are any Christian chicks out there who would like to make me a sammich, as your religion demands, I'll have turkey and bacon on rye. kthnxbai.

"Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones
and dashes them against the rock!"

Psalms 137:9

To put this in perspective, somewhere in history a man lived and had his child dashed against rocks. All because he didn't believe the same as others, or lived in a different region, or maybe simply didn't believe in taking slaves from other countries. His vengeance was great, and eventually he joined the Roman army. One day he found some jackass claiming to be the son of god and exacted his revenge, Maximus style.

That is seven. I could probably find at least 30 more with little to no effort, just thought I would leave this here. Feel free to explain in the comments section why I am wrong. Or you can always convert to atheism. It is as easy as just staying home and watching football next Sunday.