Kick Rocks Whore!

Remember that time you gave me head lice? How you used to bite it and say you were sorry? That time you spent our cable bill money on anal wart cream? Or how's bout the time you played "Just the Tip" with those frat guys? Ahh the memories.. I should let you know that I shit in a bag once (ok twice) and hid it under the front seat of your Ford Escort. That's why it smelt like poop during our make-up sex.

Every time we've broken up, I've been really good at "letting you down" easy. So this time, I'm coming clean. We're done, and I don't give two shits how you feel about it. They say there are "Rules to Breaking Up." I say Fuck that! I say going along with the norm is horseshit. I say, we have run our course. No mourning period, no courtesy call to your parents, no last ditch effort to salvage our quote unquote relationship.

Sure you might deserve a wee bit of gratitude. You were awesome at times, Like the time I asked you to blow my college roommate. I knew you loved sippin' penis and he loved hummers, it was a win win. Kudos to you for also introducing those paternal midget twins into our bedroom. Those tiny hands and feet were spectacular! I gotta keep on point, those were great memories. We're kaput and outdated now like your grandma's bloomers. She was always a GMILF I might add. I have moved on! I don't want you, your Bjork CD's, your collection of snuff film, or your anal beads around here no more!

I burned everything that reminded me of you. (Yes, the tattoo of your name on my nutsack hurt) It's over! You're free to take your new Donkey Show position in Tijuana. That was OUR dream! It's yours now. So leave. I hope you like the taste of donkey splooge. Damn it you probably will.. :(  This is my final letter to you so.. Bye!

P.S. Call if you need anything..