Gawd Damned Thankful Givings

Sailing along and laughing till I get there. My belief in a higher power has always resulted in me glaring into the hateful abyss of my empty flask. I have been asked on numerous occasions, "What do you believe?" As in, "Who's your God?" "What religion do you believe in?" I have been known to dance a pimp ass jig around this question with.. "I hope." I hope that there is some He/She/It/whateverthefuckitchoosestobecalled up there somewhere. I hope. Mainly for the people that have dedicated their entire existence to serving and having faith in "Man's Word". I have a friend whose grandmother prays five times a day and attends services twice a week. She loves Him. For her sake, something better fucking be there. Werd!

I have these thoughts generally around the holiday season and the underlying truth that I am alone. Not in the sense that you may think. I have those assholes/friends who ask me over to their casa's to participate in their uncomfortable silences and oddball questioning sequences. "How have you been?" "When is your book gonna be finished." "Do you enjoy living in that huge house all by yourself?" "Are you sure that you want bourbon in your Cocoa Puffs?" The kind of unheralded bullshit that people ask, just to get a reaction. Well, here's my reaction.. I'm gonna show up around 10am already three sheets to the wind and mumble on your couch. After about an hour or so, I'll pass out. Midway into R.E.M., I'll most likely piss myself. Not only will the Detroit Lions be getting their ass kicked on your boob tube, but I will have soiled your mom's newest crotchet throw blanket.

I see the way she looks at me.. Maybe this is the year I put your sister to the test. I'll show her the "shocker" sign and flip my tongue like a dyke. Probably not, but I'd never count myself out of the running when it comes to a holiday fuckfest.

This year I've received your invitations. I had Jesper open them. He was amazed at the amount of people who'd actually want me around them and their food. I told him we could play a little game called "Hide and go Fuck Yourself." He wasn't amused. I guess it makes sense though. Would you really want a person who is a virtual shut-in and lives his life like a drunk hermit, invading your humble God fearing abode for the holidays? I wouldn't. Really. I like having the option of fucking up other people's holidays by my being the only guy in their restaurant at 9pm on Christmas Eve. Don't judge. You WISH you had this option.

As far as my faith in the unknown goes, there are two truisms that I live by. 1.) I will laugh until I get there. Where ever there is. 2.) Never play poker with anyone named after a city. Other than that, I hope.

Jesper and Orlinda have not asked me over. Strange. I provided their fucking bird too! She is probably upset that I will have him driving me from one gutter to another during this holiday season. I'll probably let Jesper take an hour or two off, so she'll have no reason for her incessant bitching.

I might show up at your house this holiday season. I'll wear a suit and tie. I'll act interested in your mom's bridge club or new "Skecher's Shape-ups shoes". I'll even take home your grandma's fruitcake. Be fair warned. Take heed. I will not sing and I will not pray. I don't think it's right to pray only when you want something. Gawd I can't wait for New Years! Out.