9 Things That Make Me Rage On Facebook

When someone 'likes' something stupid like brownies.

Of course you like brownies. What kind of a communist tree hugging bastard doesn't like brownies? Still, I find no need to be updated about this on my damn newsfeed. My knowledge of the act that you like brownies does not make my day brighter nor me a better person in any way. I'm not looking at you, Ric, but I am thinking at you. Thinking at you very hard. Brownie boy.


People who use Facebook for 'causes'

Getting one million people to 'like' 'Please save Darfur from the swine flu and support our troops while we protest mosques at ground zero" will not change the world. It will not bring more attention to any of these things that everyone already knows about. It will not make anyone take any more action than pressing the like button and saying to themselves "THERE! I made a difference!" In short, no one is going to get off their asses for your 'cause', so stop putting it on my newsfeed.


People who ask for prayers

I'm not religious. However, I will pray, to my own god, Optimus Prime of course, for exactly the opposite of what you are asking for. If you can't handle your life without asking for help from an invisible man in the sky, a three headed demon, or a awesome cosmic ninja, then adult life probably isn't for you. A million hands praying cannot do as much as two hands working.


Posting your phone number on someones wall

You fucking idiot. The next time I see this, I am going to do a reverse phone number check, find your address, and send tranny hookers from Craigslist to your house for the next three days. Then I am going to post it on a gay furry porn forum in your local area asking for 'tops who like Mickey Mouse' to please call, but only at odd hours of the night. After that, I will order lots of pizzas to your house. And not the good pizzas either. The kind that have no bacon and lots of anchovies. Because that is what you deserve.


Airing your personal business on your status update

What ever happened to telling someone to their face that they are being douchebags? If your baby's daddy didnt pay his child support, or is fucking some random Thai hooker, or simply just didn't leave the toilet seat down, talk to them in person. Posting about them on Facebook where possibly hundreds of people can see does nothing to remedy your situation and only makes you both look like dicks. It also makes me have to take a shit. It's like Mexican food.


'Liking' those stupid one sentence generalized statements with that heart thing

'Everyone should drink 8 glasses of water a day! Like if you agree!' What, exactly, do these little one liners accomplish? They don't even have goddamn comment tabs so you can call the person who posted it 'Captain Obvious the Statement Maker of the Century'. Is there some writer out there who thinks of these things? Is he the same guy who writes greeting cards for Hallmark at a quarter a word? Can someone make an App that punches people in the face over the internet?


Farmtown, fishville, or Whateverthefuckville updates

Thanks to Joel for bringing this to my attention (And also coining the term 'whateverthefuckville') , as if I don't already see these fifty million times in the few hours I surf Facebook everyday. No one gives a fuck how far you got on a stupid internet flash game. Come back and comment when you finish Halo 3 in 2:55 on legendary with only one respawn while waiting to give a kidney to some poor African kid who you are also planning on sending to college while you build a road for his needy village. Also, I don't have any frickin fuel to give you. I don't even play the games. Stop sending me requests for that shit.


Posting quizzes telling me what Eminem song you are

Or what color, House character, planet, or Zero article you most closely resemble. We are people, not inanimate objects. Besides, those quizzes are based on thruthful answers and stupid alithograms, in which neither science nor Dr. Gregory House puts any stock in whatsoever. By the way, a quiz told me I was House. I don't even practice medicine. But I do see some pain behind your eyes, and the only cure for that is weed. You got some?

*Bonus points if you get the last reference.


Mobile updates

Fuck your blackberry. Fuck your iphone, fuck your droid, and fuck your couch. If you are out somewhere, enjoy life and stop worrying about what you are missing on the internet. When you are at a bar, your job is to get shit drunk, make an ass out of yourself, and go home to pass out. NOT to let 140 some odd people know what kind of pint you are drinking or what the chick sitting next to you is wearing. Unless it is nothing, then take pics and they will speak for themselves.

On a side note, fuck the Dallas Cowboys. Every time you update your page telling me that they are going to win the Super Bowl, I will remind you that Romo might as well be Vinnie Testaverde and will probably end up riding the bench in Tampa Bay before the end of his career, ringless and nowhere near the hall of fame.

Thank you and good night.