Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dumpster Diving with Skeletor!

I woke up drunk today. Shitfaced and mouth tasting like a from-unda-cheese sandwich. I roll out of my cot onto the cement floor of my shitty, 1 bedroom basement apartment, only to find that I have once again made my way home with some wayward maiden. She's sprawled out on the floor topless with one pant leg still on. I cancel out the idea that she passed out trying to get into my bed. Knowing my suave technique with the ladies, this was an escape attempt. This tramp thought she'd run out after a night of my better than average baby making skills. Pshh..

I nudge her head with my ingrown toenail and try to wake her. No response. I call out her name. "Thursday!" again, I yell, "Thursday!" This had to be her name for I could see it was printed on her cotton panties. I decided to put my 3 months worth of Taekwondo ninja training to use. I kick her in the ribcage. She moans and is paralyzed by the pure force of my exquisite use of the crane technique. She looks up at me standing over her, and asks, "Why the fuck did you kick me!?" I coyly smile and respond with sly wit and cunning that is fitting for the situation. "Get off my floor!" Confused, the strange poon, realizes her shirt is missing and I have yet to make eye contact with her.

She begins to lace her straggling leg into her pants and proceeds to put on my Masters of the Universe t-shirt. "Wait a second." I say. "Where's your shirt?" She looks puzzled as if I asked her to solve today's Sudoku. She then begins to tell me "How we met". She claims that while I was puking out the back door of my local watering hole, she was "dumpster diving" for supplies. She quickly mentions, "Not because I'm homeless." Hmm... I wondered. "I'm enviromentally correct and you'd be surprised at all the goodies people throw away." This still didn't answer my question as to why she was topless passed out on my floor.

I'm new age, hip, and I rarely judge others, especially considering my current condition. She says that she let me borrow her shirt to wipe my mouth and that I invited her back to my place to get her another one. I had to ask, "Aren't you afraid of catching the trash herp?" "No." She says. "My friends and I, do it all the time." Wow! I thought. I prefer my cheese not to taste like used tampon, but this obviously had not crossed her mind at all.

She says we shared a couple 40oz's of "Natty Ice" and talked until I passed out. She being "noble" decided to sleep on the floor and fell asleep before getting her pants off. Whew! I dodged a bullet this time. This strange vixen with hairy armpits DID NOT make it into the esteemed club which is "My Hump Club". I kicked her to the curb and counted my blessings.. All three of them. My penis, My mind, and the rest of My bourbon.


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