Friday, August 20, 2010

Women 101. (Zero the Rogue Pirate Ninja)

1. Girls dont like boys, girls like cars and money
We all know about this one. It is the reason you never see a really hot woman riding the bus or standing in line at the local soup kitchen. Nearly every bad event in your life will usually be followed by losing your girlfriend. Wreck your car? Lose your house? Expect to get the call.

2. They know within the first two minutes whether or not they are going to sleep with you
I am not exactly sure what it is, hell, not even our greatest scientific minds can figure this one out, but every woman you meet judges you on the first two minutes. She immediately knows whether or not you will be hitting the skins later on that night, or ever for that matter. It is strange how this works, but if you corner a woman who has already decided not to sleep with you, she will admit to it.

3. Confidence is a better attribute than money
Seemingly contradicting number one, this is but one of the many oddities we, as men, must deal with. The ugliest, fattest, poorest man in the world can sleep with the hottest woman if he just knows what he is doing. Unfortunately, most of us who are not fat, ugly, or broke have no idea what the hell we are doing, thus creating unbalance in the universe and a disturbance in the force.

4. They want you to be an asshole
For some reason, if you don't call or show any interest whatsoever in a woman, she will end up wanting you more. This proves true the old adage people want what they cant have. The best way to get a woman interested in you is to make her think that you aren't.

5. Size does matter
A dirty lie told by all women. If you have ever heard this from one of your girlfriends, it means she has had bigger cock and that's what she thinks about when you are fucking her. If you have never heard it, then that means you are the guy that she thinks about when she is fucking her current boyfriend. It is a lose-lose situation either way.

6. They want to change you
Nothing is better for a woman than to feel she has tamed the beast. Sure, she may think it is cute now that you have pizza boxes all over your coffee table and like to get shit drunk every Tuesday just because, but trust me, deep down inside, she is plotting your beer-free future.

7. They want you to listen, they don't want to listen to you
Ever try talking to a woman about sports or computer games? See that far off look in her eyes? Yeah, she may be in the same room with you but her mind is not even in the same universe. Trust me, if she isn't talking, she isnt listening either.

8. Women remember everything
Remember that time three years ago, before you even met her, when you made that off color comment about Angelina Jolie's breast's? Of course not, but somewhere in the vast database of the female mind, the girl you are with right now remembers. Even if she wasn't there, she remembers. You will never live down anything you have ever done. Another seemingly contradictory rule, it is more like a secret weapon they use to make it look like rule number seven doesn't apply.

9. They will end up knowing more about you than your mother
You know that thing you do every time you lie? Of course not, but she does. No embarrassing habit, no matter how small it is, will go unnoticed. You can bet her friends and family probably knows all about them too.

10. Women have secrets
The sky is blue, water is wet, and women have secrets. Joe Hollenbeck's wise words still echo through my mind as they did the first time I ever saw that great movie. No matter how honest you think she is, there is always some skeleton gathering dust that you will never, nor ever want to, know about.

Now that you have read these rules, you are still no better off than you were before. We will never understand women. Never.


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