It was a dark and stormy night.. I always wanted to start a mutha fuckin story that way. Or even better, Plop Plop Fizz Fizz oh what a relief it is.. This story begins with a reference to a shitty late night with indigestion, I guess.
Tonight began like any other. I awoke to the sound of my own coughing. The lung butter had cruised it's way up my esophagus and rested next to my uvula. (yes, the little pink hangy thing in the back of your mouth.) "Arrghh." Was the sound that came from my ancient 27 yr old body.
I exist in a perpetual state of intoxication. I have been this way some 5 or 6 years now. Pot heads and smelly, burned out hippies refer to it as "perma-stoned". I'm not the smartest tool in the picnic basket, but I do know that the constant intake of Bourbon, Skittles, and Camel Wides makes one a wee bit phlegmy sometimes. I love the smell of stale cigarette butts and last nights rum in the evening.
I've heard it all before. "If you don't stop.. Drinking... Smoking.. Masturbating.., You'll get Cirrhosis.. You'll get Cancer.. You'll go Blind.." Yada. Yada. Yada... I'm the exception! The first of my kind! The lucky summa-mo-bitch that out lives his doctors George Burns style! It's been said that "Excess leads to the path of wisdom." You betcher candy ass it does! I indulge. Scratch that, I over indulge! It feels so good being this frickin awesome!
I've seen YOU, speed walking your weird speed walker walk. Ass moving side to side like you are trying to shake a shit down your biker short leg. Who the fuck are you tryna be? Go play in traffic. Or YOU! The Quadruple Super Size Sandwich Meal with a Diet Coke on the side. You think that meal is healthier because you ordered the Diet Coke? If so, dig a ginormous hole and jump in it! Let me know, so I can bury your chunky retarded ass.
When I'm people watching I see you. You see me too. I'm the drunk bastard on the park bench smoking and pointing at little kids who wreck on their rollerblades. Crom! <~~ (don't ask, I have some religious views I'm dealing with.) When you see me, you see a man who might try to fuck your sister while you watch. I know this. I accept you knowing this. Together we could make great movies. I would like to star and play the lead role in a movie with your family. I know it's a little off putting at first but I could be her Romeo. You never know, I'm a great actor. I'll be at the park around 9:30 tonight if you're interested. Whiskey drunk and smoking of course.. Out.