Wednesday, October 13, 2010

New Pimp Old Tricks

Yawn.. "Pimpin ain't easy." I heard that.. The last few weeks your captain has been trying his hand at new extra curricular activities. I figure in this fucktastic economy, I should utilize all of my skills for some extra coin. I got three "ladies" out on the stroll right now. I found them while picking up my nephew Seven from school. (Yes, he is named after that ass hat episode of Seinfeld.) They are substitute teachers at his school during the day. We all know these days that teachers get paid shit! The bells in my head went off and I started a new business venture.

Now, my friends keep in mind, these are my first ho's. They're fugly women. I figure, fuck it! I can sell bubble gum to a lock-jaw ward, I'm a pimp for fuck sakes! So here I marinate in my Shrek Cum Green Econoline Van waiting on these whores to make me some dinero.

After about an hour or so, I decide that they've had enough time to smoke some dick or fuck their way into a few bucks. So, I creep by the corner and check out the scene with my fuckin pimp ass gangsta lean.. "What the fuck?" I squeal. (ho's make me use my high pitched voice.) "Break bread bitches." I say. In unison they file up to the pimp mobile and hand over my hourly wage.

Vanessa (whose face looks like she got hit with a hot bag of nickels.) hands over four crisp 20's and says that she had a combo-meal (a fucky sucky) and that she had scraped one of her knees. Kelly, who looks like Vlade Divac (she has a five o'clock shadow and protruding forehead.) passes over eight dollars and forty three cents.. Yep.. $8.43. She claims that's all the tranny would give her. Bless her heart. Kelly stood there so proud. Last but not.. well.. ok... least.. Agnus, stumbles over her size 13 heels, grunts and in her 65yr old smokers voice says, "I'm having the best night of my life!" Huh? "Where's the loot?" I ask. She pulls out two Benjamin's. (the older bills with the small faces on it, I might add.) I am perplexed. This doesn't happen very often, so I ask her "How the fuck?" She smiles, removes her dentures. "I been gumming it all night and it seems to be working."

Stop the presses! Is there an untapped market for toothless head? I realize my pimp game is in it's infancy, but this has yours truly weirded out. Instantly, I whip out my trusty lap top and low and behold, "Geriatric Gum Nubbers is on the Rise" I decide to have the whores pile back into the van and call it a night. Pimpin' ain't easy and this young dog has learned a lesson from an old ugly trick.

side note: If you search geriatric gum nubbers is on the rise, you're a fucking perv.


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