Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Word According to iCandi

I love reading my male counterparts blogs. The reads are so enlightening. I try not to generalize and make fact statements about men as a whole. I love my bros. They are awesome. Would I get with them probably not. We think waaaaay to much alike. We are scattered across this country, because this much awesomeness must be kept apart. The world is not ready. Yes. I stole that from a Chuck Norris thing.

I admit it. I have penis envy. Not for the reasons you think, although I really wouldn't mind the ability to pee standing up without it being completely fubar. I will tell you what I envy. The ability to live life as though there are no repercussions or to live life and not care about the repercussions would be more apt. I would also like the ability to blame everything that happened to me due to my unfortunate decisions on someone else.

I want to be able to sleep with whoever the fuck I want and not give a damn what everyone thinks. I will tell you what girls. We are our own worst enemies. Who is the first to call another female a ho or a slut? Another female. I only call girls names when they encroach on my or another person's territory. If you didn't know he/she was mine or theirs, fine. That is on them. However, if you KNEW and went about it anyways....oooooo!!

No, I won't jump you on your way home after working your corner or pour bleach in a pretty BITCH pattern on your lawn or call your job (pimp/brothel) pretending to be you while you are on vacation and turn in your resignation effective immediately.

No, no silly girl. Tricks are for hos like you. See? Guilty. I do it too. But then again I reserve the name calling for people who like to poach. Let me ask you something. If he could be taken from me, what in the name of all that is smoky and drunk makes you think that he cannot be taken from you?

One such unfortunate atrocity had the nerve to preach at ME. Get the fuck out! You slept with a man you KNEW belonged to someone else and you have the nerve to tell me that you are a Christian and didn't play childish games and would pray for me?!?!?! True story.

Bitch. Please. First, don't start getting all Christian on me. My parents made me memorize Bible verses and read the Bible from front to back. Nowhere do I remember it ever reading, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife/husband/bf/gf.....unless like they are totally hot and having relationship problems and planning on leaving anyways..omigod!"

"Verily, I say unto you do not attempt the high road when your saggy titty cow belly ass is floundering in the gutter. Yea, it would be easier to get Madonna to wear age appropriate clothing, than for a harlot (like you) to convince the world that "love" justifies everything." Book of Applepod 7:1.

Rule of thumb. If you feel like you have to explain what you have done or justify it...then it is probably WRONG you pathetic excuse for a human being. I don't ever feel like I have to justify myself. If I do something wrong, which lets face it is virtually impossible, I admit it and take responsibility for it. Hey! There is a novel idea. So get off your sanctimonious high horse and shut the fuck up.

I don't need to stew in it or plot revenge. Karma is a bitch. I know. She gave birth to me. People who stray or people who take in strays (not poor little puppies and kittehs, I mean dogs of the human variety) perpetuate the ongoing travesty of cheating in society that we just accept.

I don't have many morals, but when I am with someone I am only with them. If I feel that I need to move on, I will break it off and give it some time prior to the moving on. They say that you judge other people's actions based on your own. Well, I absolutely expect the person I am with to hold to the same creed. I establish this right off the bat. Betray me at your own peril...and I still have penis envy DAMMIT!


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