Sunday, April 10, 2011

Nuggets of Sanity

"I came to bring the pain, hardcore to the brain." Yeah, so what... It's not mine, I stole it from Clifford a.k.a the Method Man. It seems relevant though. I wanna dry hump you on your living room couch after school while your parents are still at werk. Can you say latch key kids gone wild? I figured that opening would catch your attention..

Anyhoo, back to shaken shit up. I was a walking and singing the other day, (staggering and slurring is more like it.) when I overheard someone whistling the whistle song from Kill Bill. Little did they know that I knew this song and they must of felt super smug and shit for being so original. I of course had to rain on this fuckbags parade and blurt out that I knew that tune.

Not only was I upset about their smugness, but this little girl might have been 8 or 9 yrs old. What in all that is Tarantino and Holy was this chickadee doin watchin Kill Bill? I must admit that I ventured off the PG path a time or two when I was a wee lad, but it was for "B" movies like Porky's or Risky Business.

I immediately felt jipped outta my youth. For fuck sakes, these little ungrateful basterds don't realize how good they got it. Netflix and Internet porn are a testament to that. How far we've come..

Another thing about these freeloaders that you keep spawning.. They're not as cool as you try to make them out to be! They're dicks! Yeah I said it. You're little angel is a dickhead. Rude little shitbag versions of you. Keep your babies out the street cuz I'm lookin to run them over in my inebriated drunk driving escapades. Just kidding, I'd run them over if they were tucked away safely in your bosom too. Lol.

Gawd damn it! I had an awesome story to tell you about the time I saved an Asian babies life.. It got lost in my feverish flurry of magnificence at copy and pasting and "cutting".. Fuck! Anyway, I'll re-tell the tale. It goes like this..

Once upon a time I was stranded in the gawd forsaken heat of the Arizona desert. Phoenix, mid-summer to be exact. If you've ever experienced this madness, you know what I mean. (118 degrees in the shade)

Anyhoo, the brave man that I am, I decided to venture out to smoke a cigarette. Crazy.. I know.. I'm a rebel right? Almost immediately I spotted a small child with my superb hyper sensitive visual skill. I noticed that it was crying and appeared to be lost.

Who in their right mind would discard a perfectly good Asian I thought. I sprang into action and swooped up the toddler with the cunning and speed that only a man of my caliber and pedigree can. I asked it it's name. No response. I used my best Cantonese and asked it again, all the while being polite as most Asians are easily offended and bashful. Again, no response.

Me and Jackson (I named him Jackson) sat there for what felt like an eternity. prolly about 20 mins and no parents showed up. Thank gawd for me.. Imagine if I hadn't saved him? He might be a math wiz or something.. Horrible. He's been making shoes in my basement for the past few years and he's never been happier. I'm tiring of him though. Maybe I'll ask Nike if they want him.. I'd hate to see his skill not go to good use.

Well my dear friends, I'm on a tight schedule tonight so I'll leave you with that. I gotta get to the liquor store before I am too drunk to fly..


Jes on April 11, 2011 at 8:43 AM said...

"Who in their right mind would discard a perfectly good Asian?" = favorite line.

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