As you know, I have been following your fantastic career for some time now. I know that you are very shy and would never publicly announce your admiration or love for me. I understand. I can be quite intimidating and quirky at times and I wish you only happiness. Jack is a dick. You've always stood by and watched while he tramped his narrow ass around from groupie to groupie.. Stoic trooper you are.
After all of the wanton emails and text messages you forgot to answer, I figured something was wrong. I saw you at Laramie Falls and you seemed shocked to see me instead of the normal salute to me with your middle finger. (That's SOO us by the way.) I like how we have our own language and gestures that no one else gets. We've always meshed well. I was kinda concerned at all the body guards you keep around you as of late? It's nice to feel safe Meg, but you know you can always count on me if you need protection. I. Will. Kill. For. You. just kidding.. kinda..
Oh hey! I just remembered, did you receive the snuggie with my face on it? I sent it about 2 weeks ago. It should keep you warm the remainder of the spring. I'm always thinkin bout your well being. Like the time I slept outside of the Beverly Hilton in my car to make sure you were safe from paparazzi. I wanna cut your skin off and wear it to my birthday party. It's next month. I sent you an invite. (It's the only one I sent, just so you know) I want us to have some "us" time. You'll like that right?
I'm gonna let you off the hook (metaphorically) for now and finish this letter open ended. I hope that you write back soon and I can't wait to hear from you.
P.S. Did you have an incident with identity theft or something? Your phone number is out of service and I keep getting "message failed" notices when I email you. Hmmm. weird. Okey dokey Meg, ttyl