Friday, May 6, 2011

Costa Rican Alopecia

Hola putas. Still on the lam....however I think all my cleverly thought out and brilliant plans are coming to fruition. If the final piece falls into place, you will hear from me on a more regular basis.

With that in mind, land in Costa Rica is awesomely cheap....I plan on continuing my ultimate plans for world domination by building a Zombie Jurassic Park. What's scarier than renegade dinosaurs? Renegade zombie dinosaurs under my control.

But I digress...have you ever had someone in your life that at one point you would have done anything to be with? Like even the "M" word? Not masturbate, silly rabbits. Marriage. THE BIG M. I am talking about the one person you thought could maybe, possibly be a soul mate. Then you think you lose your chance and then when you least expect it you get that one last free spin.

That happened to me very recently. So cliff notes back story. Met a guy when I was barely a teenager. Thought nothing of it. He wrote me for four to five years and I was positive in my naive adolescence that he was always going to be the one. Lost contact with him for years and boom there he is out of the blue.

He confessed that I was always the one. That I was the one that got away. That he always thought I was one of the most beautiful women he had ever met. How he could not believe how it was even possible that I had become more beautiful. To this I was like inoright? Just kidding....but not really. Anyways it was everything I had wanted him to say when I was young, naive, blissfully ignorant and just plain dumb.

He was all about me. Oh I enjoyed every minute of it. Ok that was a lie. I enjoyed the presents and the money. I have to say that I never really did anything for him. Maybe except for give him some sex talk on the phone and send him pics. Not those kind of pics. I am not stupid. I ate up all the most beautiful girl in the world crap. Just because that is what I wanted to hear at that particular moment in time.

He then decided that it was high time I had pics of him. Motherofsweetbabyjesuswhatthefuckhappened?!?! When we were teens, he was that sexy jock with the awesome hair. All that hair fell down to his shoulders, neck, chest, get the pic. He was going bald in the most distressing of ways. I like to call it the Charlie Brown vs. Homer Simpson. It's where the guy gets a severe receding hair line (Homer Simpson) except for a little swirly patch smack in the middle right up front (Charlie Brown). AND his hair is almost black. So very noticeable. Combine that with looking ten to fifteen years older than your given age, plus fifty pounds. Ded sehxay.

When he was a teenager he was damn fine. DAMN. FINE. However, time was not his friend. Hell, time wasn't even a casual fuck buddy. Time just plain did not fucking like him. Now at the risk of sounding completely narcissist and conceited, time has been good to me. Good genes, expensive products, good surgeons and a sweet sweet sugar daddy(s) will do that for ya.

For now all I am going to say is I put the brakes on so hard, my unborn children are suing me for whiplash. I have to run again. Hopefully our time apart will be shorter. I know you miss me. I miss me too.


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