Friday, May 13, 2011

Stepkid Travel Guide

As many of you know, I am an international phenomenon. I travel for werk, play ,and generally have single serving friends. Single serving friends are people you get acquainted with while traveling. You may meet them on the red-eye from LAX to Dulles or D.I.A. to O'hare. I may have met you on such a flight. I may have discussed how my profession is one that warrants a certain.. fakeassmuthafuckinbehaviorthatihatetodobutimustinorderfor therenottobeadisturbanceintheforce. 

You see ladies and germs, I have mastered the art of communication. All. Of. It. I understand the ins and outs of negotiating and service with a smile. I get it. There are numerous facets to society as a whole, and a feeling out process that needs to be addressed when speaking with people. (over the phone or in person) No need to fret because the same rules apply. I understand this and can pretty much please anyone that is put in front of me. It is a gift. I know this. My tongue and cheek ease and my cheesy approach to it may seem assholish at times but you get the idea..

Back to the beginning.. I travel. I check into swank hotels, I fly business class, I rent cars too big for just me, and I make time for small talk. I consider myself a professional at this. I am polite, courteous, swift, and rarely
have any complaints anywhere I go. I know what you are thinking.. Where the fiznuck am I going with this post? You shall soon see.. I am here to school you in fucktard activity that many of you may partake in while traveling so that you too can be as fucktastically awesome as I.

Here's some ground rules for you so that you won't get your food spit on and you may even get free upgrades along the way..

1.) DO NOT piss off the minimum wage service workers you encounter. This may be a waitress, front desk agent, airline clerk, concierge, or even a lowly bellman. In order to forge a fair relationship with these people, you need to just be cool. Be yourself. It's easy and should make your voyage pleasant. (sidenote: If you're an assclown and don't care for my advice,  just skip ALL of this post and donkey punch yourself. You fail.)

2.) When speaking to people, be honest in your requests and NOT demeaning. If they sense that you feel you are "better" than they are, they could give twofucks less that you need adjoining rooms or need a window seat. Remember, their business will still strive without your graces. You ain't gonna make or break them. If you think that your negative comment on their comment card gets to the manager, think again. It gets ripped up, tossed, and forgotten. Shitting on people to their face only makes you look like a dick and only makes them want to fuck you over harder. In private, they tell other co-workers about your dickish ways and laugh at you behind your back. Sorry, they do.

3.) Don't be a drama whore! DO NOT think that they are at your beckon call and they HAVE to please your every whim because "that's their job". Starting shit with people who are werking minimum wage doesn't solve anything. It only sets you up for failure the next time you have to be in front of them. THEY. WILL. REMEMBER. YOU. In fact, I'm pretty sure that before you became the successful summabitch that you are now, you werked a shitty job. You recall that asshole that tried his/her hardest to ruin your day. Remember? I do too.. So do they.

4.) Don't assume that you are smarter or more educated. Werd. I almost wanna repeat this. In our day and age, many people are werking WAY below their education level and or intelligence. Talking down to a person or using your 3rd grade teacher tone only creates an environment that neither party wants to be a part of. You're not the smartest person in the werld. They might not be either, but why take a chance when all you want is good service. (ex. How hard is it to operate a register and take my order?) This not only is going to get YOU a loogy filled taco but it will also put you on the "I hate that fucker list" which nobody in their right mind wants to be on. Once you're on that list, I hope you enjoy always paying full price and driving a Geo Metro every time you rent a car.

5.) This is a no-brainer. BRING YOUR OWN SHIT! I know there are times when you will forget your toothbrush, your own shampoo, your cellphone charger.. etc.. It happens. We are forgetful fucks roaming this earth. Just know that if you are the cock goblin who calls them every 5 mins for dumbshit, they get tired of you. Yes they are supposed to provide service with a smile, they are supposed to provide amenities for you and your isms. I understand. I also understand that if I bring my own shit, I don't gotta bother anyone during their shift. Only in extreme cases do I request anything above and beyond. My mother once told me, as a man traveling, I should always bring my own pillow and always try to just have a carry-on bag. Genius she is..

I know that there are out of the ordinary circumstances where you have been treated poorly by the help. I know that there are times when they just didn't get shit right. I know this. I'm sure I travel a helluva lot more than many of you. I know I do. I crisscross this country of ours weekly. I see and observe and stalk you all the time. I actually wrote this because of the way I've seen you treat people. I know them. I'm more prone to be on their side. Next time you're acting all dickfaced and arrogant, just know that your BLT or Latte may be flavored with jizz or crotch sweat. Think it can't happen to you? Then it definitely already has.. Just sayin..


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