Wholesome as Blumpkin Pie

I was told recently that I was a cougar. This came from a 16 year old who happened to be one of my friend's son. I was totally offended. I am NOT old enough to be a cougar. I am a puma.

He im'd me and kept referring to me as cougar. Then he had the audacity to tell me that he had a 25 inch penis. I informed him that I seriously doubted that since his mom wore his skinny jeans out to the club. His mom is pretty thin.

That isn't so bad you say? Oh trust me. It get's worse. Then he asked me if I would give him a blumpkin pie. I had no idea what that was. I looked it up on Urban Dictionary....and then I started projectile vomiting. I am not even going to tell you what it is. If you want to know look it up.

First, I happen to know that he only just recently lost his virginity. So being 16 and therefore lacking in sexual expertise, how the fuck does he know about blumpkins? AND why the fuck does he want one? He has probably not even REALLY had sex.

He then also informed me that all he does is watch porn on the internet. Fabulous. I have seen what is out there and some of it completely disgusts me. Don't get me wrong, I love a good porn. Where it is straight up sex. I can watch lesbian, threesomes, etc. What I don't get is scat porn or roman showers.

If sex has become that blase for you, then maybe you should get help. I like to switch things up a bit from time to time, but please do not bring urine, shit or vomit into the equation. I say we need to take back porn as Americans! Take it back to it's roots. Just people having regular, normal sex on camera. Skip the dialog, don't try to have a story line, just have sex.

Hmmm, maybe I should start my own porn company. Holesum as Apple Pie....eh it's a work in progress. Bottom line is little boys should not attempt to play in the big leagues. Yes, I am an attractive and experienced woman. But I will be goddamn if I have to teach anybody anything. Plus, hello?!?!?! Jailbait. My name is not Mary Kay Letourneau. I am so telling your mom.