Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Can Anyone Beat The Goddam Batman?


As we all know Batman is the ultimate bad ass. The only non-superpowered person to beat Superman to a pulp with his bare hands, sometimes it seems like no one can beat him. But how would he fare against other literary strongmen? Wonder no more, zero is here to answer your question with another epic list.

Batman vs Satan

The Prince of Darkness vs the Dark Knight? Surely no mere mortal could stand up against the ultimate evil in the entire universe... but wait. This is Batman we are talking about here. I see the fight going like this.

Satan shows up dressed all suave in an expensive suit and tries to sweet talk our hero. Batman punches him in the goddamn face. Then he turns into a large menacing demon with horns, wings... the whole nine yards. Batman punches him in the face again. Basically, Satan gets punched in the face until his teeth are missing and he goes back to hell bleeding from his eye. Batman goes home and has a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs God

The character of God is a little more powerful than Satan. One would think killing the Bat would be a walk in the park for the almighty. However, as we shall soon see, this fight doesn't go the way most theists would hope...

The first thing God does is throw a flood at Batman. Batman takes to the air instead. Then God unleashes a plague of locusts. Bats pulls locust spray from his utility belt. God hits him with lightening. Batman's suit is lightening proof. God tries to run. Batman finds him and warns him to stay the hell out of Gotham. God pretty much listens and Batman goes home and has a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs 300

300 Spartans stood against a million Persian cowards and almost won. Each Spartan had the equivalent training of one of our modern special forces soldiers. None of them had any fear of death. Batman doesn't kill though, so he can beat them without giving them what they want; an honorable death.

He starts out by getting rid of the Persians. He shows up in their camp late at night, threatens Xerxies with a punch to the face, and they retreat like Japanese schoolgirls at a Yanni concert. Then he turns to the Spartans...

They immediately fall into the phalanx, their famous un-penatratable formation. Batman punches through their shields. Then Leonidas steps up and gets punched in the face before he can even talk. When he wakes up, Batman tells him to stay the hell out of Gotham City. He says he will never retreat, never surrender, and Batman punches him in the face again. Leonidas wakes up again and orders his men to go home. Batman watches quietly as they leave and goes home and eats a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs every Muslim extremist in the world

Terrorists work on the assumption that they can strike fear into the hearts of their enemies. They think if they blow up enough shit, people will fear them and let them do what they want.

Batman has no fear. He is fear.

It starts out with a couple of guys suicide bombing his Batcave. Bad move. Batman proceeds to find Osama Bin Laden and punches him in the face. Then he takes him back to his newly rebuilt Batcave and gives him a kidney transplant. Then he punches him in his new kidney and breaks it. For the next 36 hours, Batman then finds every terrorist in the world and punches them in the face. Out of respect, Batman then goes home and eats a turkey sandwich.

Just kidding. It is bacon. Fuck them.

Batman vs Hulk Hogan

We all remember the Hulk. He was a childhood hero to many of us. Back in his heyday, no one could beat him. He was and is a legend. Once he started to do that shaking thing, no blow could harm him. Except maybe a punch from Batman.

It starts out with Batman punching him in the face. The Hogan gets up and starts to shake and feed of the crowd. Batman punches the crowd in the face. Then he dresses up like a 19 year old and steals Hogan's wife. Just kidding, of course he punches Hogan in the face again. This causes Hogan to lose all his hair. He then goes into obscurity and takes gigs promoting sunscreen while Batman goes back to the Batcave and eats a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs Galactus

The famous villain from the Fantastic Four movie, Galactus eats planets for fucks sake. He is never really defeated, just turned away for the moment. Can the Dark Knight possibly beat something that eats frickin planets?

Give him 15 minutes to prepare, and Batman wipes the floor with the cosmic killer of planets. How? Well, punching him in the face won't work this time, but punching him in the face with a nuclear missile might. But what if that doesn't work?

Batman finds a way to change the orbit of a far off star and throws it at Galactus's face. Galactus immediately laughs and says "Ha, you can't hurt me with a puny star!" Then Batman kicks him in the ribs. Galactus stops laughing, holds his side for a while, and whimpers off into space. Batman then goes home and eats a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs Zeus

Zeus was the God of thunder, which isnt as impressive as some of the guys on this list (save Hogan). But he also had control over the rest of the Greek gods and goddesses. Stepping to him meant stepping too them all.

Batman doesn't care. Even Gods can be punched in the face.

It starts out with a lightning strike, which Batman has already staved off earlier in this list. This time, instead of dodging it, he uses science (A lighting rod) to harness it and stick it right back up Zeus's ass. Zeus, understandably butthurt, calls the rest of the Greek Gods into battle to save him. All you see next is the Bat kicking and punching folks in the ribs and knees. Soon it is over and the Bat is heading towards Zeus with a mean look in his eye. What happens next is a punch to the face and a bacon sandwich eaten at the Batcave.

Batman vs Chuck Norris

Chuck is well known internet-wide for his bad-assness. His round house kicks are said to be able to cripple a man before they even touch him. When Chuck does a push-up, he doesn't push the Earth up, he pushes himself down.

That being said, let's get to the fight.

Chuck throws a round house kick at Batman's ribs. Batman takes the blow and looks at Chuck. "Seriously?" he says. Then he punches Chuck in the face and breaks his beard. Chuck wakes up in an emergency room with a Doctor screaming "He just got hit by a truck!" Chuck says "No, it was Batman." By this time Batman is already home, eating a bacon sandwich.

Batman vs Batman

What if Batman had to face himself? Would it be a draw? How could such a thing even occur? Alternate universes and such exist in comic land, but science hasn't ruled them out yet either.

So Batman squares up with Batman. Batman punches Batman in the face. It doesn't phase Batman. Kicks, knees, elbows, and more punches follow. The battle is epic. Finally, Batman punches himself in the face, warns him to stay the hell away from Gotham, and heads home to relax and eat his bacon sandwich.

1 comments:

Katie Greene on September 15, 2010 at 5:25 PM said...

i like the part with batman

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