Once again, your fearless leader has been rudely awakened by the sound of a woman screaming. "Wake the fuck up you stupid bastard!" echoed in my very intoxicated, slightly bruised, head. I answer the voice with my common response to women yelling at me. "No ma, I ain't been drinkin." Confused, the voice repeats the command. "Get your drunk ass out of the gutter or I will run your ass over!" Huh? I decide at this point I'm not in my bed. I open my eye and scan my surroundings.. "Not again." I say at a volume that could only be heard by me. "What the fuck did you say to me scumbag?" The female voice screams.. I open both my eyes and sit up. Yep! Confirmed. I am sitting outside of my local watering hole.
These fuckers are happy to take my money, (well, the money I owe them for my tremendous bar tab.) but won't at least have the decency to call my chauffeur or drive me home. Incredible. (as in, NOT credible.) I slither out of the gutter and check my inventory. Three cigarettes, one Dark side of the Moon zippo, one turquoise money clip, and one shitty flip phone. Well, at least I wasn't robbed, I thought. I know what you're thinking, I wondered too. I check the inside pocket of my stone washed Levi jacket with the Iron Maiden Trooper picture on the back. Fuck! How was I gonna get thru the morning without my trusty flask full of Dewar's?
Well friends, This is not my first rodeo. I get caressed out of "bed" by the meter maids all the time. This new employee of our fair city's morning crew was quite rude. Jizz bandit could have at least had the fucking courtesy to bring me a cup of joe and the morning paper. The nerve of some people! So I'm awake, mouth tasting like Lance Armstrong's single testicle biker shorts. I pimp limp my way into the day. It's 6:30 am. I recall firing my driver a couple weeks ago due to him impregnating his sister.
Looks like yours truly has to put the #3, White, Air Jordans to use. I open up my phone to see who I drunk dialed a few hours before. "867-5309" Ahh yeahh.. Jenny! I re-dialed the number. "You have reached a number that is no longer in service." Huh? Oh yeah.. I've been calling that number since the late 80's just in case somebody actually answers.. Anyway, it looked like I was in for a hike.
Now I don't know about you, but I like the hair of the dog! Ya' know, havin a drink to clear the cobwebs from the night before. This was my mission. If you know me, I complete all my missions! For once in my drunken stupor of a life, this mission was easy. I look behind me and notice that my watering hole opens at 6 am. Why the fuck didn't they just drag my janky ass back in the door once they re-opened? I wondered. Fuckers! I stroll back inside and see that they already have a Bloody Mary ready for me, with the celery stem and all!
There's something to be said for great customer service. I said it before, and I'll say it again, This ain't my first rodeo and obviously not theirs either.