Sunday, December 19, 2010

How to Get Rich Quick (Volume 1)

Here's a gem just in time for Christmas. When it makes you rich, tellem the Stepkid made you what you are. I know that this holiday season many of you need a million dollar idea. Well kiddos, I got plenty. Here's one just so you know that I'm not bullshitting. I expect to see this in my local bodega by next summer so get it done and do whatchu do.

The first part of this badassedness is simple. You will need some cell phones networked to one 800 number. At least three. Next hire some of your bag o' shit cohorts that are preferably jobless. (I know you know some.) They will need to be "on-call" at least 24hrs a day until you can hire a real team. (it would help if they have zero self esteem also.) A call center would be ideal, but I'm gifting you the basic plan. Next, give your new smut business a name. You will need a name, so that you can have it emblazoned on your pre-paid phone sex cards! Yep! That's what I said. Pre-paid phone sex cards. No need for applause, I know genius. right?

The pimptasticness of this idea is that you will receive money for the service even if the cards are purchased and never used. The idea is to sell them next to those Mexican phone cards, Itunes gift cards, etc.. and whatnot. Make them in increments of $5, $10, $20, or go big and sell $50 cards.. It really doesn't matter because once the jerker buys the card, they've "pre-paid" for the phone sex. I suggest setting up the first couple minutes of each call as a questionnaire. (Ex. Press 1 for Female, Press 2 for Female midget with ingrown toenails and a smokers voice, Press 3 for Male and Donkey Hee-Hawing festival etc..)  The caller will then be forwarded to the corresponding phone line. This is where your broke ass, jobless cohorts put in their best Amos and Andy impersonations. Werd.

If you have to run this business alone, I would suggest learning some foreign voices or talking in a 60yr old smoker's voice. (It sounds hawt! Don't judge me, Phyllis Diller's voice was sexy.) You've got the plan, now go to werk my sons and daughter's. Pitch the cards everywhere you go. This is a fail proof plan. It's better than selling Kirby's door to door and it's not a pyramid scheme like Amway. You truly will be your own boss. If you have any questions about becoming rich, maybe you ain't ready. Otherwise feel free to contact your uncle Stepkid at 1-800-Awesomesauce.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT condone having your children work the phones. Leave them in the basement making shoes or out in the pond searching for blood diamonds.


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