Monday, December 6, 2010

Big Fat White Christmas Lie

I thought this holiday season, I would share a bit from my childhood. Christmas is a time to
reminisce about times with family and friends. I would like to share a piece of nostalgia with you...

I have always been precocious. When I was the tender age of 5 or 6, I remember all the other children being excited about a mysterious person who brought them gifts based on their good or bad behavior. I was puzzled by this. All the children attested to the same story and yet I had never heard of the man.

I asked them to tell me more. This is the information that was relayed to me:

1. Santa was a fat white man who dressed in red velvet and lived at the North Pole.
2. Santa had an army of slaves who did nothing but make children presents all year round.
3. Santa was very jolly.
4. Santa had magical flying reindeer who propelled his lard ass around the world at light speed to deliver presents to ALL the children in EVERY house around the world.
5. He broke into your house via the chimney.
6. He ate all your cookies and drank all your milk.
7. If you were bad he left coal, if you were good he left presents.
8. He kept a list of what you did all year round and used a series of calculations to determine if you ended up on the Nice or Naughty list.
9. He did all this at midnight on Christmas Eve.

I was troubled by this revelation. First of all, I was a good kid back then and somehow I never received a single thing from a person called Santa. Second, the story had some major flaws in it.
I was a very logical child...yes I know. This is all true by the way. Except I didn't swear back then, but I do now so deal with it.

I went to my father. The wisest person I knew at the time. I asked him about Santa Claus. I asked if he was real. My father looked at me and asked me what I thought. I told him that I thought it was a load of crap. There was no such thing as magic and there was no realistic way that he could visit every child in the world by midnight, time zone not withstanding. Also, if he was as fat as everyone claimed, how did he B & E through the chimney?!?!?! Also, what did he do if there wasn't a chimney? AND if everyone was expecting him then why didn't they just leave the door unlocked and he go through that like a civilized person?

My father said well there ya go. I asked him who gave all the kids presents. My dad asked me to think about it. I said it is probably their parents huh. He said most likely.

I then asked my father how come he never gave me presents from Santa. My father said, "I work hard for my money all year round. If you get a present, you are gonna know it is from me and that I gave it to you because I love you. I don't want some fat, white man taking credit for what I do."

The next day, I relayed my theory to all the other children. They of course being mere children did not believe me. I instructed them to stay up late without their parents knowing on Christmas Eve and see who stuffed their stockings.

After Christmas break, I was called into the principals office because some parents had called about their very upset children. I informed the principal that it wasn't my fault that their parents had lied to them and that I had done nothing wrong. I was basically instructed to keep my fucking mouth shut from now on.

Ahhh...fond memories. However, my dad's words struck a chord with me. I have children in my life...not the ones in my basement making shoes...but others. I neither confirm or deny the existence of Santa Claus to them. I will wait for the day that they realize that mommy and daddy lied to them and that they recognize the world for what it is...a cold cruel lie. Until then, ignorance is bliss and part of childhood. I realize I was not much of a child, but that doesn't mean I begrudge it.

I do however, refuse to let another MAN...much less a fat, old white man take credit for my shit. Especially in this economy. So back the fuck off me. Your kid will get a present from ME and he/she will like it. I will take the coal if anyone actually DOES give this out. Coal has many uses and I am a frugal mutha fucka.

That being said. Peace to you and yours and Merry Christmas to everyone of youz......suckas.


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