Saturday, December 4, 2010

Tis the Season..

Tis the season to be jolly? Nope. I currently have one employee who has a wife and no known children. The simple fact that he works for me should be bonus enough for him, but he asked if I have EVER provided Christmas bonuses. I would  like to have said yes. The simple fact of the matter is that I have not.. Not because I'm a scrooge and unbelievably stingy, but because I'm.... Fuck it. I AM a scrooge and unbelievably stingy!

This cock taming man jockey has only been my chauffeur for about 6 weeks and has yet to use profanity and or succumb to the fact that I am his benefactor. These elements are essential to procuring a long meaningful relationship with the asshole that is I. Werd. Around this time of the year, I have been known to be more or less a shut-in. It may be due to the fact that I really don't like people and for some odd reason you sheeple are everywhere.. Buyin shit.

The whole Xmas spirit thing is a sham. I am in no way religious. The whole idea of Santa and presents basically just pisses me off. I can understand giving gifts when they are deserved. Not just because you happen to have the same DNA or because Hay-Seuss had another birthday. Some people actually expect you to give them a gift because they gave you one. That's funny. I have received gifts before and watched the expressions of people when they realize I have no gift for them. I think it hilarious. Tis the season of giving?

I asked a small child the other day if he'd rather have Jesus or Santa at Christmas time. "Oh no you din-ent." Yes. Oh yes, I did. The child obviously said Santa. I asked him why. "Because he brings the presents." Werd. The season of giving? This frickin kid was genius. Who wouldn't want something for nothing? Ignorance and innocence ARE bliss. If this kid knew anything about what the Christmas phenomena was about, he'd retreat and go back to his original ways of thinking. Wouldn't you?

Jesper and his wife Orlinda are God fearing folk. (Mennonite's) I get it. I don't judge. I worship my trusty flask of Scotch and the smell of Sports Arenas. Everyone has their own idea of what heaven is. Werd. This holiday season I suggest you find yours. Take pride in it and take care of you and yours. If that means dropping a couple G's on gifts for people who are not going to give you one in return, then send your gifts to me. I'll sift through them and maybe give Jesper that bonus he was asking about. Maybe... Out.


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