Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Plastic Surgery and Exterminating Crotchal Bugs

She sat with a listless expression for about 5 minutes. Out of the blue, she slurred/blurts out, "My ex husband had 15 thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery done on his face because his mistress cut him from here to here!" She used her finger to draw a line diagonal from her temple to the left side of her chin. "I'm glad that bitch did that to him too. He was addicted to the porno on the online."

I HAD to ask this intoxicated bar fly, "what the hell happened?" In my endless quest of people watching, I could not pass up this kind of free material. "He was a super asshole!" She said. "He left me for this bitch that has ruined three other mother fucker's lives and gave me the V.D." I was only 2 shots of Patron and about 3 beers in, I had to hear more. "Then he goes and marries the bitch."

As is my want, I sit at lonely hotel bars and crash hotel conventions sometimes. I have a couple of cocktails with complete strangers and just pry. On this particular evening, I hit the jackpot. Evidently, this drunken maiden was part of an exterminators Christmas party. (Bug and rodent killin' folk) I HAD to weasel my way into this kind of bliss. One, because I know jack shit about the exterminator business and two, because they were shitfaced exterminators. (Too awesome of a breed to pass up in my world.) I joked back and forth, used my charisma, and basically bullshitted with them for about 30mins to gain their trust, then Whammo! I'm in like Flynn baby. I sat back and let them gossip and waited for the hilarity to begin.

"This mother fucker thinks he's the shit too!" She says. "I got a call from our insurance about some plastic surgery bill, and I was like huh?" She slurs. "They had a police report and everything. They wanted me to pay for this shit because we had only been divorced about a month or so. I hadn't even gotten my name changed yet. Ded I menshun he wuz addikted to the purno onda online?"

As you know by now, your fearless leader is an asshole. I told the woman I was a writer and that I would tell her story to all of my readers because it was the funniest thing I had heard all day. She was NOT amused. I even gave her the link to the website. I wrote it on a napkin all classy like and whatnot. She left her drink on the counter and left the hotel bar promptly. I sat back and chuckled to myself. So to the exterminators and the woman at the bar, I thank you, my readers thank you, and I hope whatever it is that has you burnin in the crotchal area, clears up. Penicillin maybe? Just Sayin. Out.


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