Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I HAD to ask this intoxicated bar fly, "what the hell happened?" In my endless quest of people watching, I could not pass up this kind of free material. "He was a super asshole!" She said. "He left me for this bitch that has ruined three other mother fucker's lives and gave me the V.D." I was only 2 shots of Patron and about 3 beers in, I had to hear more. "Then he goes and marries the bitch."
As is my want, I sit at lonely hotel bars and crash hotel conventions sometimes. I have a couple of cocktails with complete strangers and just pry. On this particular evening, I hit the jackpot. Evidently, this drunken maiden was part of an exterminators Christmas party. (Bug and rodent killin' folk) I HAD to weasel my way into this kind of bliss. One, because I know jack shit about the exterminator business and two, because they were shitfaced exterminators. (Too awesome of a breed to pass up in my world.) I joked back and forth, used my charisma, and basically bullshitted with them for about 30mins to gain their trust, then Whammo! I'm in like Flynn baby. I sat back and let them gossip and waited for the hilarity to begin.
"This mother fucker thinks he's the shit too!" She says. "I got a call from our insurance about some plastic surgery bill, and I was like huh?" She slurs. "They had a police report and everything. They wanted me to pay for this shit because we had only been divorced about a month or so. I hadn't even gotten my name changed yet. Ded I menshun he wuz addikted to the purno onda online?"
As you know by now, your fearless leader is an asshole. I told the woman I was a writer and that I would tell her story to all of my readers because it was the funniest thing I had heard all day. She was NOT amused. I even gave her the link to the website. I wrote it on a napkin all classy like and whatnot. She left her drink on the counter and left the hotel bar promptly. I sat back and chuckled to myself. So to the exterminators and the woman at the bar, I thank you, my readers thank you, and I hope whatever it is that has you burnin in the crotchal area, clears up. Penicillin maybe? Just Sayin. Out.