Sunday, January 15, 2012

Secret Santa Sucks!

It was a dark and stormy night. All the chitlins were tucked away. Nestled. Dreams of an honest man's means and a poor man's wages were toiling over the next commercial. I enjoy watching the excitement and anticipation of another yule tide season.

Every year seems to be more drab and more plastic than the last. Fuckers! They told a fib. I was to understand that the holiday season was to be filled with jolly and love. Not the constant reminder of how broke I am.

What happened to the secret Santa present that was cool, witty, and reliable? The awesome gift that was 25 dollars or less and didn't make you feel obligated to at least spend $24.43 + tax?

I'm at a loss. I like to purchase gifts slightly out of the range and act like I  got a spectacular deal. Am I alone in this? I imagine so as it seems that most gifts are the direct result of a gift card denomination.

How were we supposed to know that this was a two part story? One part written while I was sober and shopping, and now some fuck writing while drunk and elusive? I can't complain anymore. Complacent. I still wanna ask the question. Why is it that the more money I bring to the table, the less gifts are placed under the tree?

Once upon a time I made shit for money. Shit! I made enough to build a "wish sammich". (If you're curious, that's two slabs of moldy bread wishin sumpthin was betweenst insteada just ketchup.) Now that I have made a sumwhat name for myself, the means are great, but not what I figured they'd be at my level of heroism and pimptasticness.

True, that my taste in liquor has been upgraded slightly. Slightly. I have become a snob if that's how you wanna werd it, jerk. I have dragged myself into the realm of fine fine alcoholic fantasy. So what! It is a passin time in every humans life to try indulge in the finer things that Crom has blessed us with. I have graduated and indulged in the same. Sad but true.

This holiday season seems to be better than the last. I mean honestly, don't we all feel that we can provide for our loved ones better than last year?

22 more Ramen packages from Walmart in the cupboard is better right? Let me retort. Most of us can anyway.

My crackhead slug bottom brethren seem to have more crack then before. They're higher and more numb to my questions. I ask in a mild manner with my same flask full of scotch, "Hey Lucille, How are you doin this holiday season?" I ask this not because I actually care, but because I wanna know what the fuck she'll say. (Turnin 8 dollar blow jobs an whatnot seems to make her family happy during this yule tide season.) Sorry, I had to ask. such as my want, I ask.

Happy Holidays and Happy 2012 to those of you that keep track of such nonsense. I hope all is well and..

P.S. Fuck your Christmas Tree! out..


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