Saturday, August 21, 2010

Schizophrenic Stepkid


(Angry Step Kid) = Rage

(Stepkid Richard) = Humor

(Ricky) = Reason

(TPTB) = The Powers That Be

" 4 Head Compartment"

Once upon a time there was man who struggled with his own identity. His feelings were always fighting with one another so he decided to write about it. Thus began a journey into his own mind..

 STEPKID: How's it Hangin?

RICKY: Ok I guess, how are you?

ANGRY STEP KID: Why are you two fucks so happy?

STEPKID: Why are we all here at the same time?

RICKY: We were all summoned for a meeting, to ascertain different subjects and our views on various subject matter.

A.S.K.: Great.. another reason for us to make complete asses of our self.

RICKY: Must you always be so negative? It really irks me and is unbecoming of a gentleman.

A.S.K.: Are you shitting me? Why are you such a pussy all the time?

STEPKID: He said, gentle-man. Anyway what kind of subject matter? Sexual? Comedic? What!?

RICKY: I hope it relates to life, love, and all the wonderful things that have happened in our life.

A.S.K: There you go being craptastically pussifed again!

RICKY: I resent that. I'm the reason we have compassion and the ability to love.

A.S.K: You're also the reason that women have shit on us all of our life you dumb fuck!

STEP: Totally! You've caused us to whine like a little girl with a scraped knee, on many occasions.

RICKY: Ok, smarty pants what would you like the subject matter to reflect?

A.S.K.: Are you asking me? Cuz if you are, don't refer to my pants. Homo!

STEP: Ha ha ha! Homo!

A.S.K: Besides, it really doesn't matter what the fuck I think. You know I only get my two cents in after we've had a few drinks. Honestly, you can't be that fucking stupid. We've been together how long now?

RICKY: Don't call me stupid.

STEP: (in a whimpering type voice) "Don't call me stupid." Ha ha ha!

RICKY: You two are always ganging up on me and it's not fair.

A.S.K.: Pussy!

STEP:  We don't gang up on you. You're just hyper-sensitive.

A.S.K.: Hyper-sensitive is another way of calling you a Pussy!

RICKY: You have to admit though, if it weren't for me, you two would have gotten us killed by now.

STEP: Whatever dude! If I controlled it all, It would be a life full of baseball games, golf, and roller coasters!

A.S.K.:  If either one of you ran the show, we'd get our ass kicked almost daily! Without me, we would be just another pussy at the ball game drinking non-alcoholic beer or wine coolers. Pathetic.

STEP: So when do we get to answer these damn questions?

RICKY: Good point. Bickering with you two nincompoops isn't entertaining at all.

A.S.K.: For once, I agree with the pussy. Except for the part about entertaining poop.

STEP: You said pussy and poop. Ha Ha Ha.

RICKY: Good Lord, let's just get started.

A.S.K.: And which "Lord" are you referring to? Being that we ALL have different views on that matter?

STEP: Good question.

RICKY: Which ever one let's me get back to what I was doing before we were summoned here.

STEP: Which one let's you handle yourself? Ha Ha Ha, I said "Handle Yourself."

RICKY: Remind me to wash our hands.

STEP: Do you call it masturbating or making love to our hand?

A.S.K.: I call it, you two fucks are idiots and should shut the hell up! Can we start the questions now?

TBTB: Ok, Ok. We can start by taking a few minutes to let you settle yourself(s) down. First, I would like to ask a few questions about things that are not to personal. Then, we'll move onto some serious subject matter. Perhaps, when you're not so edgy. If I know you guys like I think I do, this will get quite interesting and pretty hilarious at times. So let's begin... When talking about BUSINESS, there are many facets that need to be addressed Considering that I am dealing with three very different attitudes on this subject, the only question I have is.. What is good business? So there is no confusion, we will answer IN ORDER! No exceptions! Also this will limit the arguing somewhat. Stepkid Richard, you will answer first. Then, Ricky and finally Angry Step Kid. Now that we have that settled, Step you may begin, What is good Business?


STEP: Good Business? Good question. Well I guess you could say good business is the Tobacco Industry. They sell you the disease and then sell you the cure in a 12 step program of course. You know, the patch, the gum, shock therapy, and in some cases hypnosis. Then, if you aren't able to quit, you're still a smoker. God, I love smoking. The only thing I don't approve of is kids smoking. Even though I used to get pissed when we'd have to steal our cigarettes cuz we couldn't buy them. But that was when we were sixteen. Just kidding, we were twelve. God, I love smoking. What ever happened to Joe Camel? By the way, does smoking still make us look cool? How bout older?

RICKY: This is such a good question. First, you must have a product that the public deems a necessity. Then you must advertise and market said product. Location is always key in business as well. There are three business concepts that will always allow room for profit and minimal loss. Those include 1.), The Restaurant Business, people will always need to eat. 2.) The Hotel Business, people will always need somewhere to sleep. And number three, sad but true, The Mortuary Business because people will always continue to parish. With the right ambition, elbow grease, and little know how, anyone can make an honest living in this great country of ours.

A.S.K.: The best business is also the oldest business! And that business is prostitution! Think about it, you got the pussy, you sell the pussy, you still got the pussy! All profit! End of story. You may take a hit on buying all the excess condoms, but that all depends on how good the pussy is that you're selling. That's supply and demand 101. If you got some good pussy, you charge more for it. Duh!?! They don't call it the oldest profession for nothing. You're guaranteed at least an 89% turnover rate douching , lubing, and menstruation aside.. That is definitely good business.

TPTB: Those were all very good answers. Probably what I would expect to hear for the question at hand. The next subject we'll cover is not too personal either, even though I know, you will make it that way regardless.


TPTB:  When dealing with a subject like this, there are numerous ideals and a plethora of views that can be discussed. Hopefully, you will be able to discuss this subject with respect in mind. My question to you three is when it comes to respect, What does it mean to you? As before, Stepkid you will answer first and so on.. Let's begin. What does respect mean to you?

STEP: Respect? Isn't that a song by Tina Turner? That chicks husband used to kick her ass. "Never with a closed fist." What's love got to do with it or some shit. Just kidding, I know it was Aretha Franklin. I just wanted to mention that Tina Turner got her ass kicked. That shows that I have no respect. I hated Destiny's Child anyway. One day maybe Whitney Houston won't get her ass kicked either. Probably when Bobby Brown quits giving her crack. Ha Ha Ha. R&B sucks. (in a girlish voice) Bobby, Don't be cruel! Ha Ha Ha. Let's see.. Rodney Dangerfield never gets any.. Probably because he'd need Viagra. Oh yeah, he never gets respect either. Wait.. Maybe cuz he's dead.

RICKY: This is a subject I can explain and answer in a multitude of ways. Especially due to the fact that I never receive any from my unruly colleagues. Showing or giving respect to your fellow man is reciprocal in understanding and maintaining any type of relationship. Whether the relationship is of a business, personal, or platonic nature. It is very important that people learn respect at an early age and practice it daily. I would hate to think of a world that existed without a mutual respect for our fellow man. Could you imagine the chaos? Horrible to even think about. Don't you agree? Respect is something that is very contagious and once you distribute it amongst others your whole outlook changes for the good. I promise. People that you associate with will know that you are a person of integrity and that you say what you mean and mean what you say. It's a win win situation.

A.S.K.: What the hell was all that horse shit?!? Do you fucks really buy all the shit this pussy is selling? Respect is summed up very simply with one rule. He who has the gold, makes the rules. Therefore, receives the most respect. This again is a monetary issue. The broke mother fucker never gets a word in edge-wise, while the rich fuckers talk as much shit about whatever they want, as much as they want. Perfect example, Republicans! Oh how I love'em. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. If I asked you to borrow a dollar, you'd be like "fuck off!", but if I was holding a dollar and waiving it around mumbling about my shaved nether region, you'd try to listen. Respect will always be about who has the most gold. For fuck sakes, you gotta brain, use it!

TBTB: Very interesting. I can understand where each of you is coming from. The subject matter is going to veer a little in to the risque' now. Ok guys. (sigh) Please try to understand each of the ideas expressed from here on will be at your own risk and you must own up to your own individual statements.The next subject we will cover is drug use. My query to you is simple. What do drugs do, to you or for you, your peers, society, Helpful, harmful? Please explain. What is your outlook on drugs? As before, Stepkid Richard, you begin.


STEP: All I can say is, drugs are bad. M'kay. I mean bad ass! Especially hallucinogens. If you take a couple hits of acid, you just become cooler. it's all about the colors, the music, and change man. Play some Skynyrd! Drugs are definitely helpful. Could you imagine a hangover and no Tylenol? That would totally suck man. Or what if you had to sit around with your entire family with no weed? Marijuana isn't a drug anyway. Ask Willie Nelson. I'd give that dude a bong rip. Or seven. Do you think Brad Pitt smokes the ganja? I bet him and that chick from friends have passed the doobie. Her last name is Cox I think. Ha ha ha.. Cox! Oh, I mean Aniston. I just wanted say Cox. Whatever he's doin is right on man cuz that big lipped Jolie is a fox. I hate Brad Pitt now.

RICKY: Absolutely atrocious! The FDA administers drugs for people who NEED them and I believe it should remain that way. It is really a sad epidemic we have on our hands, when so many individuals are walking around so heavily sedated. Over the counter drugs do aid in curing a tremendous amount of ailments. So in that aspect, they are very good. I just don't understand why anyone would purposely want to alter their mind and bodily functions. It sounds very bizarre to me. The idea of not being able to control yourself? Why would you want that?

A.S.K.: When are these fucking questions NOT going to be about money?!? Allrighty Fuckos!  Listen up! YOU ARE A TOOL! In order for the establishment to rule you tools, you must be easily manipulated. The best way to manipulate people is to get them fucked up! Haven't you ever gotten a chick drunk at a party with the intention of getting your willy wet? Same Concept! The government has a monopoly on this situation though. Whether you're a crackhead or a bored housewife, you're doing some type of dope. Shit, they distribute the drugs, bust you for them, and put the drugs back on the street. Once you're on probation and have fines to pay, they now have you right where they want you. It's almost as great a plan as prostitution. Like I said before, You got a brain.. Fucking use it! Oh and fuck Willie Nelson. That song "On the Road Again" is garbage.

TPTB: Wow! That was not what I expected at all. I like Willie Nelson. Anyway, thank you good sirs for your answers. The next subject we will cover today is Love. How it has affected you personally. This will be very complex, I know, but we have done fairly well with the previous questions so I thought I'd throw you a quick curve ball. Ok Stepkid Richard, you're up to bat. What does love mean to you?

STEP: First, I wanna know why you had to ruin all the fun we were having by asking this clusterfuck question?

TPTB: I mentioned to you all earlier that the subject matter eventually was going to take on a personal nature.

STEP: But you didn't say anything about mushy shit and love.

RICKY: Can I go first? Please?

A.S.K.: It figures you'd wanna go first you fuckin softy.

TPTB: I'm sorry Ricky. I specifically stated we would go in order, no exceptions. So if we can continue now, Stepkid Richard, you may begin.


STEP: Ok fine! Let's see.. Do you guys remember our dog FLASH? The little brown hound dog we had? Remember? We named him Flash because that was the dogs name on "The Dukes of Hazzard" Remember? Roscoe Pekoe Train's dog. I loved that dog! Remember what happened to him? He was hit by a car when we were in the 2nd grade and the vets had to put him to sleep. I never loved another dog after that. Damn. I'm sad. Anyone got a cigarette? Oh yeah, I love smoking too. I guess love isn't all that bad. FLASH! FLAASSHH! Why'd you have to bring that shit up man? Now hows about that cigarette? I really miss that damn dog. He used to do tricks too. Remember? He'd play dead a lot, he'd do imitations of things, like a dead dog, or a lazy dog, and finally a speed bump.

RICKY: Finally! A subject I feel adimate about. Love to me is something I hold very dear. To be in love is the one item above all else is the reason for life. Just knowing and feeling that you are making her soul smile, and that the energy as well, as the world turns was created for that moment is.. Magical. That glorious chemistry when love begins is the basis for everything beautiful in the world. Love is that one universal language that everyone understands and strives for. Love is magnificent in every aspect of the word. To know, that you have found that one person who above everything else is going to be there. It's a blessing I tell you. A blessing. Where would you be without love? Where ever that place is, I wouldn't want to be.. I love.. LOVE!

A.S.K.:  Once again, Are you shitting me? Did you forget how much pain is involved with entrusting our soul to these bitches?!? So easily you fuckheads forget that lonely deep ache in our stomach. The lump in our throat that won't go away! You two sit there and cry all night, and who has to pick us back up? ME! I have to force you two tender footed pussies to get out of bed, face the day, and continue to live! Fuckin Pathetic Ass Clowns! Then you fucks practically beg to be shit on some more?!? What The Fuck? Love is an evil trick. Remember this quote form the bible. (Ecclesiastes 7:26) "I find more bitter than death, the woman." MORE BITTER THAN DEATH! Whatever.. What choice do I have, when you sissies go around looking to get our heart trampled on for the umpteenth time? Didn't you fucktards love being single? Drinking and flirting? We all used to be so fucking happy! Content and whatnot. Whoa! Did I just put my two cents in without us having a few drinks first? Fuckin "A"! Finally you shit sifter's are listening. Maybe not hearing, but listening. I love that!

TPTB: Those were all very rational points of view considering the attitudes of who is being questioned. The subject of love is different for everyone, so I suppose it would be different for you three as well. Moving on, We'll wrap this up with our final subject of the day. It's a subject that will be fun for a change. The last question will be about music and what type of music best describes you. Stepkid Richard, What type of music describes you?


STEP:  Music is the one thing that I might love more than smoking. (might) To answer this question best, I need to ask a question of my own. "Am I sober or not?" When I get hammered, I like classic rock. When I'm on a 2 or 3 day bender, I like hard rock. When I'm sober, I like alternative rock. SCRATCH THAT! I haven't been sober in a while. Rock-n-Roll! I've heard about soft rock... Chicago or Air Supply or some gay, emo, shit. Why the hell would you wanna listen to sad music all day? Especially if you were drinking. That's probably why these lil fucks cut themselves. If I was the drummer for Def Leppard, I'd exercise by beating my meat. Hair bands suck. And who are the people that admit being from the 80's? Fuck Micheal J. Fox! I need a cigarette. That drummer from Def Leppard only had one arm! (points finger) Ha Ha. Cripples are cool.

RICKY: The music that describes me, would most likely be something that would be soothing. It would depend on the mood I was...

A.S.K.: Listen puss face! Just name the fuckin type of music! We don't care what you listen to when you're nancing around in your little garden or playing Farmville. Damn! You are always such a fucking pussy!

STEP: No Shit! Wasn't it your idea to shave our nutsack? What was all that about?

RICKY: Quit ganging up on me.

STEP: Did you just raise your voice? If so, It's about damn time!

A.S.K.: Was it really his idea to shave our under carriage? I figured you did it on some type of bet or some fucking crazy shit like that.

RICKY: This is my question about music, remember? The music that best describes me is Rhythm and Blues or R&B. It is very helpful in times of need. Trust me these two constantly have us in "Dire Need". Lord knows, if I couldn't keep a level head in our most crucial moments, we would have flown off the handle numerous times. Honestly though, when it comes to music, I never get to choose anyway. You two are always getting first choice in everything, so I have learned to just go with the flow.

A.S.K.:  I will as always keep this very simple. I like music that is created by band members of a band. Not an electric sound machine or beat box. You know, real people creating real music. None of this boy band, dance faggot, Enrique, Timberlake, Spice B2K, on the block type shit. Music! Not crap! Understand? The type of music that describes me best is and will always be METAL! METAL! METAL! Now go fuck yourselves! Oh I almost forgot, FUCK Ricky Martin! I told you in 1994 he was a man surfer! You fuckin half a fag! Make up your mind sister.

TPTB: I'd like to thank you gentlemen for all coming here for this rather interesting meeting. It has definitely given us all insight on each of your unique persona's I will call upon you again in the future for more if that's ok.

ALL TOGETHER: Sure. Ok. Yep.


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