Thursday, January 13, 2011

Territorial Spankings

"I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love and I'm like, Fuck you!" Damn right! I've sat and watched you/stalked you for a couple of months now. I've finally gotten up enough courage to make my lame attempt at conversation to no avail. I think I stuttered something. I wanted it to be a witty concoction of my undying adoration for you. It came out more like a junior high kid asking you to dance. "Excuse me, can I ask ME a question?" Pretty sure that was verbatim.

I was never any good at the casanova, suave, shit. I always got my point across by screaming, "You look so good, I wanna wear your skin to my birthday party." I'd smile and say just kidding. Unbelievably this method werks. Weird I know. My pseudo best friend once told me "The only thing cooler than a guy who gets a lot of chicks is a guy who scares a lot of chicks." What a frickin psychopath? I'd like to retract that last statement because I have to be honest, the fucker could pull more tail than you could shake a stick at.

So now that all of the niceties and fake persona's have been slid to the wayside, we can be us. The un-nervous farting, burping, cussing, hairless apes. The sweaty, foul mouthed, drunken heathens we wanna be. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That good stuff. I wanna hear about your vast knowledge of why mascara dries up after a month. You wanna know about my interest in the nickle defense and why the draw play sucks ass. Let's fuck like drunk monkeys with reckless abandon and not worry about anyone hearing our love. While we're at it, let's do all the things we wouldn't do with our exes. Ahh the smells and sounds of new love. It's always so beautiful in the beginning. So new. The exploring and constant search for what drives us crazy about our new mates.

Splash! Trust. It's an anomaly. At first the agreement seems to be, "I'll never do that." Then it becomes, "What can I get away with?" Finally, "Ima do what I want." What will he/she put up with? I'm only sorry if I get caught. This is not necessarily about infidelity mind you. It's about all facets of the relationship. The boring part. The part we all try to keep away from because we know inevitably it's there. These are the reasons there are "Keep the Spark Alive" books and rumors like the 7 year itch. Sad but true. If this is where you are, "salvaging" is the werd you are currently using.

It's possible you have skipped all the melodrama and moved right into "I'll kill you!", "I'll cut your dick off if you ever.." I like this part. The scary part. The hurt. The part where you logically think smashing a beer bottle over the head of some "bar whore" just because you THOUGHT I was flirting with her. Or I rationally have no problem breaking a pool stick over some guys back for buying you a drink. Makes perfect sense. I totally agree that while they are bleeding all over the place, we should go in the bathroom and fuck like teens in heat. Makes perfect sense. Our jealousy is only tamed by our insatiable sex drive. Gawd I wanna fuck you and bite you. Yep perfect sense. Violence only works if it's used. I am not advocating domestic violence, I'm just sayin a little spanky or nibble now and then is ok.

The end. The denouement. The drunk dialing. Basically back to square one. While I watch you and wonder why I can't have you, you stalk all of my social networking sites and bad mouth me to my/your friends. Instantly people are to take sides. Choose a team. Crips or Bloods. The division of all items. Material and emotional. What a crock of shit. The cool thing about this is..Once we have settled, then we can fuck like drunk monkeys again! Sure it's awkward. That's the fun in it though.

Any relationship worth having should end badly. Werd. Otherwise it leaves you feeling like it was a total waste of time. It makes you feel our time together was for nothing. Just a paired existence for companionship sake. Not real. If you've experienced this, you know what I mean. A kiss that leaves a bloody lip is sometimes the best. It builds character and everybody loves a little character. Jealousy only reminds us that we were/are in love and for fuck sakes it IS real. There's somethin' to be said about that whole "rather love and lose than not love at all." I guess if you are currently here, feel free to hiss and spit at those walking down the street holding hands. I do. It's liberating.. Oh and when I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love, I'll scream Fuck You! Out.


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