Monday, September 12, 2011

Mirror Mirror Ketel One..

In my previous post, I mentioned that I would do a piece on how to redeem yourself if you are a fucktard. Well in order to determine how best to help yourself , you must first ascertain if you are indeed fucktarded.

There are different levels of fucktardedness. I am only going to touch on the most common and abundant flavor. The most common are the douchebags. How do I know if I am a douchebag, you might be wondering. Well, there are telling signs that while obvious to everyone else, may escape you entirely.

Look in the mirror. Give yourself a once over...actually give yourself a twice over. Do you have either a lesbianish Justin Bieber/Zach Efronish side do with carefully applied product to look casually indifferent? Or do you have a teased bump a la Snookie?

Do you have a perfectly orange fake tan stylishly emulating an Oompa Loompa in heat? Do you shop at Ambercrombie and Fitch? Do you tuck only the front part of your shirt in or wear cutoff jean shorts that are so short the pockets show? Fyi, that last one may also make you a lazy, trashy ho.

If you have said yes to two or more of the above, you my friend are a douchebag. Don't despair these are just physical things that are entirely fixable. However, certain personality attributes that accompany said physicality are harder to fix.

Don't worry I am here to guide all of my lost little sheeple. Admitting you are a douchebag is the first step in recovery. Embracing the wisdom of iCandi is next. St. Tropez makes a self tan remover that is amazing. I suggest never self tanning again. Period. Either get your ass out in the sun or stay the fuck white. Nobody gives a shit if you are perfectly tanned. Trust me.

I could go on and on about the different ways you could tip the scale from douchebag to awesome, but I would have to literally write a book. My friends, I am way to much of a procrastinator and waaaay to lazy or drunk.. but mostly drunk. At least, I have provided enough adequate guidance to get you on your way. So kisses and licks.. I got a bottle of Ketel One that is eye fucking me.. or is it the other way around?


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